Thursday, January 29, 2009

I Guess I Won't Name My Son Reagan

Today we bring you a lighter topic: juvenile crime. According to a University of Pennsylvania study, boys with unusual names are more likely to become juvenile delinquents.

Cue Johnny Cash.

Of course this begs the question, what about girls? The researchers in this story studied only male juvenile delinquents; it would be interesting to know whether their results apply to girls. I would venture a guess, though, that girls with unusual names are more likely to engage in the female version of delinquency--that is, teen pregnancy.

Considering the cost to society of juvenile crime and single motherhood, this study practically demands that we immediately enact measures to deter parents from giving their offspring such names as Dawnderamus, Tanjaniqua, and Adolf Hitler. Perhaps there should be an additional tax exemption for every young John, James, Mary or Sarah, or we could fine people according to the PNIs of their children's monikers. "Percy? Okay, that's $300. Abednego? Um, hang on...say, you're not real attached to your second kidney, are you?"

Also, we should all wonder what's in a name like Barack.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Suggested Reading, or Just Ogling

A friend (amazingly, I do have some) asked me what it's like to be a liberal. Obviously I have put away such childish ideologies, but I won't explain my conservative salvation here. Michael Medved's book Right Turns is an excellent read. I told my friend that it's very exciting being a liberal--there is no dearth of reasons to be angry, and liberals can feel productive simply being indignant about injustice without actually acting to improve any situation. No argument or idea needs to be constrained by logic or practicality; emotions and ideals rule. One needs never to examine a position or change a behavior, because everything is right and offense is a valid defense (that is, claiming offense automatically absolves one of responsibility, not matter how valid the critique). And one is morally and intellectually superior, as being liberal alone automatically proves. Liberal altruism is, of course, extremely selfish--their hearts bleed only so that they may show the wounds inflicted by such a cruel, oppressive, iniquitous society. The majority of liberals masturbate by patting themselves on the back.

I find that last sentence a bit edgy myself, more than fit for attribution to Ann Coulter. I'm ambivalent about wanting to be another Ann Coulter--she's witty and intelligent and obviously refuses to kowtow to the fascism that is political correctness. However, I was struck by one of her interviews regarding the media's flaying of Sarah Palin, when Ms. Coulter remarked that she hadn't seen such hostility toward a woman since, well, herself. As usual, she was right. Vocal, unapologetic conservative women like Ann Coulter, Sarah Palin, and Michelle Malkin are constant targets of vitriolic fury, often from self-proclaimed feminists who nevertheless believe that woman have no right to hold certain positions--equality be damned.

There is nothing the rabid Left hates more than a conservative woman, unless it's a beautiful conservative woman. Sarah Palin could still win beauty contests, and Ann Coulter looks stunning, as always, on the cover of her newest book--I need to find a copy and see if it says who designed her dress. Meanwhile, let's look (not directly) at the other side of the aisle--Arianna Huffington looks like someone stuck a pair of over-collagened lips on a glob of raw bread dough. Nancy Pelosi is obviously some eyebrow-less alien creature, and Hillary Clinton--oh, Hillary Clinton--she's more manly than Harry Reid, Barney Frank, and Ted Kennedy lumped together. (A physical situation which Sens. Kennedy and Reid would no doubt resist and Rep. Frank probably welcome.)

Beautiful Conservative Derangement Syndrome surely stems from a wrenching paradox created by feminists, who are in turn being destroyed by their own monster. Feminism, of course, eschews biology, rejecting and indicting the idea that men like beautiful women, and thus women wish to be physically attractive. Despite their best efforts, many of the feminists with which the left is infested remain women, and face the Sysiphean task of denouncing and condemning physical beauty while yearning for it like Clytie for Apollo. Of course, she turned into a sunflower. Whereas left-wing feminists simply turn into pasty husks in pantsuits.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Age-Old Wisdom for the First 100 Days

We have nothing new to report today, but something old. A few warnings for the next four years:

"Concerning the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered to him, we ask you, brothers, not to become easily unsettled or alarmed by some prophecy, report or letter supposed to have come from us, saying that the day of the Lord has already come. Don't let anyone deceive you in any way, for that day will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. He will oppose and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God's temple, proclaiming himself to be God."
2 Thessalonians 2:1-4

"The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with the work of Satan displayed in all kinds of counterfeit miracles, signs and wonders, and in every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness."
2 Thessalonians 2:9-12

Paul was prepared not only for the Obama ascension, but for the coming welfare state:

"For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: 'If a man will not work, he shall not eat.'

"We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat."
2 Thessalonians 3:10-12

"The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops."
2 Timothy 2:6

Under the Equalizer-in-Chief, the government will seize the crops of the hardworking farmer and give them to the idle busybody.

And another thing--why aren't they called Thessalonicans??

Thursday, January 22, 2009

A Double-Standard's Day in Court

If you live in Canada and notice that the birds seem unusually well-fed in recent years, it's due to the huge can of worms opened by the True North's legalization of gay marriage. Gay marriage opponents in American, Sr. have often asked why, if gay marriage should be legal, is polygamy banned?

For British Columbia lawyer Blair Suffredine, the question is not rhetorical--so much so that he is demanding an answer in court. Suffredine's client, Winson Blackmore, is charged with the crime of polygamy, as he is alleged to have no fewer than 20 wives.

I know what you're all wondering--how can a man with 20 wives even afford a freaking lawyer?

But that's not important, nor is the question of whether Mr. Blackmore is even mentally competent to defend himself, as a man who would even want to have 20 wives is obviously insane, or on the brink of becoming so. Explain to me how 20 wives doesn't just mean 20 times the nagging.

Logically, Mr. Blackmore has an excellent case, as, historically and Biblically, polygamy possesses a legality and legitimacy that same-sex marriage has never had. While the Bible is unequivocal in forbidding any homosexual conduct, it permits (but does not encourage) plural marriage. Polygamy is still practiced in the Middle East (where, incidentally, sodomy continues to be punishable by death), and polyandry in central Asia. (In polyandry, a woman has more than one husband--now that's really insane).

At Hill of Hope, we will attempt to follow this case and see whether Canada will continue to criminalize a Biblically-sanctioned relationship between consenting adults while permitting Godless, immoral relationships between consenting adults.

Monarchy in Massachusetts

Left-wing Princess Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, whose married name has been strangely absent from the media since she announced her aspiration to the senate seat vacated by Hillary Clinton, has finally realized how she can best serve America: by staying the hell out of politics. In a show of selflessness not displayed by a Kennedy since, um...well, I can't think of any, but give me a break, okay? I was born during the Reagan administration. Anyway, in an extremely unprecedented move, Mrs. Schlossberg relinquished her self-claimed entitlement toward a position that she is grotesquely unqualified to hold. She may not deserve a high-profile government appointment, but she deserves the nation's thanks, and to scurry back into as much obscurity as she can retain considering her parentage.

Some realists have proposed, with appropriate trepidation, that Mrs. Schlossberg is actually interested in a juicier plum--the position soon to be vacated by her homicidal drunk of an uncle. However, as the state that elected Ted Kennedy, John Kerry, and Barney Frank, Massachusetts' governance could actually be improved by gross incompetence and conceit. In fact, she would fit right in! She couldn't possibly make it any worse. And as the election of Obama shows, isn't that really all we expect of our government?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Racist Presidency, or, When Rhymes Attack

Remember the Dilbert cartoon in which Dogbert leads the company's new aerobics program, prefacing his first class with the statement that skeptics say the program will be a failure? The disastrous session that follows prompts Dilbert to remark that the skeptics are right, to which Dogbert responds, "We usually are."

Here at Hill of Hope, we instituted a media blackout on Inauguration Day, eschewing all news coverage of the Roman orgy of obscenely opulent coronation festivities. We admit we were delaying the inevitable. We also venture that, in considering whether Obama's ideals can be the spackle in the cracks of this nation's racial disparity, the skeptics are right.

Obama certainly has the kind of friends (Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, Jeremiah Wright) which cause him to have no need of enemies. As shown by yesterday's prayer by the "Reverend" Joseph Lowery, Obama supporters are well on their way to being the most racially-divisive political cult ever.

Mr. Lowery obviously fancies himself some kind of poet (which is troubling enough in itself), asking the Almighty to

help us work for that day when black will not be asked to give back, when brown can stick around, when yellow will be mellow, when the red man can get ahead, man, and when white will embrace what is right.

Oh, the irony--that the inauguration of the nation's first black president is marred by such inflammatory, blatantly racist sentiment. You really can't get more bigoted and divisive by praying for each race separately, and unequally.

So Mr. Lowery wants a day when blacks will not have to give back. I hope he means that he desires them to retain the freedom and opportunities they have won since the 1960s, achievements which allowed him to embarrass the President in front of the nation yesterday. However, I believe it would be in the best interest of this country, for people of all colors, if the black community did relinquish its appallingly high rate of illegitimate births and incarceration, which are also modern occurrences.

The undeniably racist part is, of course, that Mr. Lowery feels that blacks should "not be asked to give back." Who the f*** does he think he is--demanding special treatment for one group! Notice that he seems to have no problem with whites, "yellows," "browns," or "reds" being asked to give back. In a Christian society, everyone gives back. It's civilized. It's decent. It's human, and Mr. Lowery's prayer sets blacks outside the realm of humanity. Hello, KKK! Affirmative action is an insult wrapped in a handout.

Glenn Beck, CNN escapee and new Fox News commentator, wrote, "Even at the inauguration of a black president, we are being called racist." Obviously Mr. Lowery also feels that progress and unity are beyond the ability of white people, or he would not have prayed that "white will embrace what's right." As if skinheads have been hurling Molotov cocktails at the windows of the Presidential limousine.

The black-on-white racism of Obamabots--sometimes latent, sometimes blatant--is, however, old news. Here's some real news--I am offended. Yes!

The "yellow will be mellow"? Oh, you f***ing did NOT! I have news for you, pal--the yellow have had mellow out the freaking wazoo until now, and we have had it. It's modern heresy to generalize about any race, but Asian Americans are still labeled as agreeable, soft-spoken, and obedient--the "model minority," and we're supposed to welcome this simply because some consider it a positive stereotype?

I looked up mellow on, and, as an adjective, it can apply to fruit, wine, sound, color, light, and soil (soil?!). In terms of people, however mellow is defined as

pleasantly agreeable; free from tension, discord, etc.


affably relaxed; easygoing; genial.

Imagine if anyone--much less a speaker at a historic national event--prayed publicly for blacks to be agreeable, affable, easy-going or free from discord. Such speech would rightly be criticized as racist, and the culprit's ignorance and bigotry soundly vilified and condemned. Abolitionists and civil rights activists fought--and sometimes died--so that black people in America would not be required nor asked to be keep free from discord nor remain genial and relaxed.

Joseph Lowery--and I have no doubt that there are plenty like him now emboldened by Obama's ascension--is the worst kind of race-baiting hypocrite, a trafficker in bigotry and strife selling himself as a colorblind uniter.

F*** you, you racist bastard.

How's that for mellow?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Media: Killing OK, as long as you're not racist about it.

I'm not really upset, nor surprised, that the media believe that uncouth language from warfighters is newsworthy or cause for alarm, so I didn't comment on the latest Prince Harry story when it broke. People who can't fathom that it could possibly be unwise and unsafe for all concerned for out-and-open homosexuals to serve in America's military no doubt feel a supreme sense of injustice on behalf of our enemies--not because our troops shoot and kill them and otherwise deprive them of basic human rights like guerrilla warfare, but because we call them names, and racially offensive ones, while doing it.

The original story didn't fire me up nearly as much as the reaction of The XX Factor, a left-wing feminazi blog just reeking of female body hair and RU-486. I imagine the blogger clad in unwashed denim overalls, the pasty skin above her one eyebrow flushed from the screeching tirade she just delivered at the Oppressor (man, to the rest of us) who dared to attempt to open the door for her on the way in, writing that, as repulsive as Prince Harry is, the press is even worse. According to the XX Factor, this is because they gave the little Nazi-sympathizer imperialistic potential rapist a pass on the anti-gay remarks he also uttered in the video.

The bitter whales at the XX-Factor called the Prince a paragon (or poster-child, or something) of Republicanism, despite the fact that he is not a member of Republican party, and, being British, probably will not be anytime soon. On behalf of American Republicans, I agree with the hags completely. Prince Harry served his country proudly and honorably. And those who seek to detract from this fact are exemplary liberals.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

On the Menu Tonight: Grilled Sea-Kitten Steaks

I bet I'm not alone in suspecting that PETA really isn't as interested in the plight of neglected and mistreated animals as they are in proving publicly, over and over, what kind of hypersensitive, intrusive wack-jobs they are. This is a short article, so I won't make you click on a link:


PETA: Spearfish school should be called Sea Kitten


SPEARFISH, S.D. -- The activist animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has asked school officials to change the name of Spearfish High School to "Sea Kitten High School." The new name would "reflect the gentle nature of its current marine namesake," the organization said in a letter to Steve Morford, Spearfish High School principal.

PETA said the letter is part of a new Sea Kitten campaign aimed at children.

If children were taught to refer to fish as "sea kittens," reflecting that fish, like cats and dogs, are "individuals" that "do have friendships," fewer fish might be killed for food or sport, said Pulin Modi, a PETA spokesman.

"We want people to realize that more fish are killed each year than all animals combined," he said. "They don't have the sympathy of more popular animals like cats and dogs."

Morford said he did not want to share his feelings about PETA. "Obviously, it's nothing we're taking seriously," he said.


Principal Morford should be careful in being so dismissive of such radical and progressive demands, lest the hemp-wearing, lobster-fondling, vegan leadership resort to their next line of defense: shrill name-calling while stomping their bony, papyrus-sandal-clad feet.

I think PETA is actually only something. Let's start referring to fish--the same fish that supply tasty tuna, succulent salmon, and hearty halibut, as "sea kittens," and then Americans will start cooing as they cradle a slimy, flopping, glassy-eyed creature that looks like a giant intestinal parasite and take it home and buy a fluffy bed a jeweled collar for it, despite the fact that fish have no necks.

I also think it's fabulous that in a society with millions of homeless cats and dogs of the non-scaled, non-swimming kind, PETA finds it worthwhile to attempt to indoctrinate schoolchildren on the intelligence and sensitivity of animals you can flush.

In the same spirit, I think we should also go back to calling manatees "sea cows," because I bet they make a tasty burger.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The PI Finally Gets it Right

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer is a prime example of biased left-wing media, or, as such is known locally "fair and honest reporting." However, columnist Robert L. Jamieson, Jr. recently resurrected journalism in the PI with his defense and justification of the recent fatal shooting of a University of Washington student by Seattle police.

As college students tend to possess an excess of education and a dearth of reason and Seattle is a mecca of socialist-anarchist progressive egocentric elitism, no doubt a disturbing percentage of Miles Murphy's neighbors feel that the police should have, without preconditions, negotiated with a military-uniformed man who greeted them with a loaded gun and refused to put it down. Maybe they should have considered Mr. Murphy's feelings and asked him nicely.

The kind of people who live in the PI's circulation area have a remarkably selective ability to empathize. Their hearts bleed for uneducated single welfare mothers who bear an additional two or three kids for taxpayers to feed and clothe and for captured terrorists whose living quarters are far nicer than those of most American soldiers. However, the majority of U district residents spare no thought for the police officers who were dispatched that night to protect them and face down gun-waving youths and make wrenching, split-second decisions so that you will not have to.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Makes Sense to Me

Former NBA star turned sports commentator Charles Barkley was arrested for suspicion of DUI last week. His latest explanation is not only obvious but entirely excusable.

You were what? Well, then--by all means!

If Prisons are Resorts, Gitmo is Five-Star

I couldn't find anything to blog about over vacation. Everything in the world was going so well--nothing was irritating, appalling, or infuriating enough on which to comment.

So, I returned to work. What a surprise--I found this grotesquely perverse story on Guantanamo Bay.

I'm trying to decide whether the Loony Left completely lacks understanding of the terrorists imprisoned there, or understands them too well. These enemy combatants, of course, will employ any tactic toward the destruction of America, no matter how base or devoid of honor. Even in captivity, their aim is to debase and demoralize the free, democratic West. They play by no rules--but then, neither does the Left. Only the radical liberal traitors who bemoan an America that clubs babies, eats seals, and occasionally fails to recycle an aluminum can could believe that aspiring suicide bombers would be in any way traumatized by having no means to watch Entourage.

The moral relativists of the ACLU are also such narrow-minded elitists that they have no clue that, if given free reign in American society, the jihadists over whom they weep into their organic soy chai tea would behead them (the lawyers) first. Remember the crocodile and the frog? These terrorists are the crocodile, and any bleeding-heart blame-America-first types would do well to remember what they are--enemies of civil liberties. They hate freedom of or from religion. They hate any semblance of women's rights. And they really, really hate homosexuals.

Marijuana-dealing American citizens are eating baloney and wearing pink underwear, while unrepentant foreign mass-murderers have personal chefs and entertainment centers. Where's Joe Arpaio when you need him?