Believe It or Not--It's in the Stimulus!

We here at Hill of Hope are performing a public service: wading through the stimulus bill like a retarded egret through molasses, so you won't have to--although we're sure you wade more like an inebriated flamingo. Yes, we are risking both productivity and sanity to look directly at all 434 pages of the January 27 version of this monstrous disaster, downloaded from the website of Alabama senator and true Republican Jeff Sessions.

First observation: Can you believe the size of this print? It's like in 10th grade composition when your assignment required 10 pages, so you triple-spaced it, widened your margins to three inches, and used Wide Latin in 24-point font. How much of your money could the government save if they only refrained from printing this behemoth? Not to mention the trees--where's the eco-denunciation from Al Gore? I guess he's too busy turning up the heat in that Hummer of a mansion.

Page 8: $198,000,000 (read: 198 million dollars) for the National School Lunch Program. I'm in favor of school lunches. Remember that square spongy pizza, dripping grease and topped with what looked like boogers? One of my favorites. I'm sure they don't serve anything like that anymore; the "pizza" in today's schools is probably some flaxseed crust topped with tomato skins and spinach, and kids just throw it away and go home so hungry that they scarf down an entire box of Ding-Dongs while deftly navigating past the parental controls to the Russian amateur porn. See, if you attempt to inject some logic into this three-ring debate, socialist Obamabots come back with accusations that you're in favor of poor children being too hungry to completely fill in the little bubbles on their standardized tests, which, at my last investigation, are only administered in public schools on days ending with "Y."

And I am aware that "socialist Obamabots," is redundant. But I want to know, President Marx and Comrade Pelosi, how do school nutrition programs create jobs and stimulate the economy?

Page 35: Hereafter, in this section, the term "nonambulatory disabled cattle" means cattle, other than cattle that are less than 5 months old or weigh less than 500 pounds, subject to inspection under section 3(b) of the Federal Meat Inspection Act (21 U.S.C. 603(b)) that cannot rise from a recumbent position or walk, including cattle with a broken appendage, severed tendon or ligament, nerve paralysis, fractured vertebral column, or a metabolic condition.

I'm not a legislator or meat inspector, so I didn't have the stomach to root around the outskirts of this depressingly hilarious paragraph to figure out why the hell it was in there. But you know that with a thorough definition of "nonambulatory disabled cattle," this bill is strictly focused on improving your economic outlook!

Unless you're a bovine of more than 500 pounds with a broken appendage or metabolic condition. Look out, Barney Frank!

Age-Old Wisdom for the First 100 Days

We have nothing new to report today, but something old. A few warnings for the next four years:

"Concerning the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered to him, we ask you, brothers, not to become easily unsettled or alarmed by some prophecy, report or letter supposed to have come from us, saying that the day of the Lord has already come. Don't let anyone deceive you in any way, for that day will not come until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. He will oppose and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God's temple, proclaiming himself to be God."
2 Thessalonians 2:1-4

"The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with the work of Satan displayed in all kinds of counterfeit miracles, signs and wonders, and in every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness."
2 Thessalonians 2:9-12

Paul was prepared not only for the Obama ascension, but for the coming welfare state:

"For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: 'If a man will not work, he shall not eat.'

"We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat."
2 Thessalonians 3:10-12

"The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops."
2 Timothy 2:6

Under the Equalizer-in-Chief, the government will seize the crops of the hardworking farmer and give them to the idle busybody.

And another thing--why aren't they called Thessalonicans??